Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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