I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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