All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
