My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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