I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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