I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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