I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
