That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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