I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
