Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
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