I faked an abortion last night.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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