I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Randomize
