Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
