I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
