Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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