How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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