you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
