Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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