I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize