I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
