You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
