I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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