Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
