It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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