Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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