hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
