I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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