the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
