At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Randomize
