i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
