You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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