Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Randomize
