cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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