I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
