I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize