im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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