You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
