im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
