why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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