Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
