I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
