I think I won the penis lottery.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
