my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
