This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize