Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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