If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
