You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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