2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize