Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
