You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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