I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
