Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
