Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
