Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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