So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
