Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
