im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
