2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
