Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize