My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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