I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
