If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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