I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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